A CRY FOR HELP

This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of a weird
and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits. The letter speaks
for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my  Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and
expensive. It is only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next
year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is
brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she
can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you
can name. Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I
think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It does
not run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of appropriating
some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in
the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and
I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the
problem.

Patrick is 14. I have had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at
three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and
his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered
to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything
on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what is the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You will have plenty of time as he is sitting
out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I will take care of
filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will
be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (I am sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I am sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It is
quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have
helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you
can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of
"nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest. I still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I will not feel so bad about
putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision
as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

Note:    The taxpayer received his refund, and was allowed the deductions.
     ☺

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